So the purpose of social media, it seems, is braggadocio - boasting about one thing or another. This is why I've taken myself away from Facebook apart from a small update post once per month. People brag about different things, of course. Most brag about success or relationships or how clever they are. I've been guilty of this myself, back before my Facebook diet, because it's just such an easy advertising platform. If you have friends, you have people who are at least mildly interested in you, which means that your words will be heard. Another form of bragging is, of course, the opposite - bragging about the cruelties of life and how awful things are. This is often displayed as very public mourning, another reason I've withdrawn from that shallow digital world. Advertising your pain just so that people will hit a Sad button on Facebook seems to me to be very unhealthy. Telling people that someone passed away, to inform them of a major event in your life? I understand that. Posting once a week about how much that event still effects you? Wouldn't it be more effective to actually talk to a person?
At the same time, it's so easy to do. You feel sad, hop on Facebook, and write a 2-sentence post about how much you miss your mother or how sucky life is when a coworker stabs you in the back, because you might get the instant gratification of knowing that someone saw what you said via a comment or a like. Having someone know and understand your pain can be soothing, but when it comes to social media, it is a temporary balm because you know in the back of your mind that by the time you see their response, they've already moved on and are probably watching a video of someone's kid petting a cat.
Now, I realize the blatant hypocrisy of this post. Yes, even this blog falls under that umbrella, both for boasting about successes and mourning my own losses. But here's the difference - I could post a sentence on Facebook, and it would be viewed for 1 second by the 200-some-odd people who would then keep scrolling for something more interesting, while I sit back and hope for someone to pay more than 1 second of attention to my joy or pain. Or I could post a full discussion of my pain and how I'm trying to overcome it by journaling, which is well known for its therapeutic properties. And instead of worrying about those 200-some-odd people seeing this and paying me a few seconds of attention, I'm posting this on a platform where I've had maybe one view per post. This is for me. If someone else reads it and can identify and feels less alone, then it's for them.
So... therapy-wise, it might be working. I'm just not doing as well as I'd hoped by now. Sometimes I'll be at work and read a message about something and just... deflate. I recently used some background check software that I have to get to know for work, to look myself up. Mom's name came up, and I clicked on it, and it noted that she would have been 65 today. Stupid idea on my part, to put myself in that position, but it happened. And later that day, a friend talked about hanging out with her friend's child, and it just deflated me even more.
It just feels like... not only am I not over this recent pain, but I'm not doing well enough to move forward. My diet's at a dead end, even moreso because I'm on my period. I've managed to save only $100 since I started this blog, and I've been lax enough with my spending that we're a little over budget for the month. Eating out too often, indulging in comfort food when I'm feeling sad, and then the fact that I'm not making progress keeps me feeling down. Vicious cycle. I know there'll be an upswing again at some point if I keep at it, though.
So here we go. I forgive myself. I forgive myself for spending too much of my minimal income. I forgive myself for overeating and losing track of my calorie counting. I forgive myself for being human, and for using any means necessary to stop being sad when sad things happen. And because I forgive myself, I can remake myself. I'm going to get up, take a shower, and spend time with a friend. I'm going to focus on healthy, positive things, and I'm going to be gentle with myself. I'm not going to be harsh or cast blame or say I'm a bad person.
Because I'm the only mother I have, and the only child I have. If I can love myself the way I would have loved my baby, if I can trust myself the way I trusted my late mother, then I'll be okay. And I'll do better. And I'll move on.
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